Comments
| At a time | 07/29/06 ~ Blackmagebasser |
It was now or never. Lumbering machine, laughing and roaring all at once. Quite an abrupt stop. To market to market.
.....in my mind's eye, I breath sulfer smoke, laughing. My eyes exhale what isn't seen....
Impressive displays, bosun.
Flutes in tune, and another one on the way.
There is no other way, but to keep looking.
That is if it will clear up soon
The weather is quite horrid.
Cloudy eyes...
I liked this piece a lot. You have some good imagery in here, as well as some good detailing.
There were just a few grammatical things I saw that could be fixed up a little:
-in the first line "to" should be "too". Also, withing those first two lines, you switch tenses a couple of times, which makes it a little confusing. The first sentence it's self is fine, but considering the second clause in the first sentence ends in the peresent tense, the following sentence should be in the same tense (i.e. "isn't" instead of "wasn't").
-you might want to add a comma in the middle of "To market to market"
-in ".....in my mind's eye, I breath sulfer smoke, laughing." you don't need that many periods in the beginning. Three should sufice. Also, in the same sentence, you don't need the comma after "eye"
-"That is if it will clear up soon" you should to add either a comma or a period to thatjust for consistency's sake, considering that the rest of that section has either periods or elipses.
-"Cloudy eyes..." needs one extra period.
Well that's all I really saw that needed work. I love the content and ideas of this piece. It is also well executed in my opinion.
Don't be afraid to tinker with anything! ^_^!
Good job, I can't wait to see more of your writing up!
There were just a few grammatical things I saw that could be fixed up a little:
-in the first line "to" should be "too". Also, withing those first two lines, you switch tenses a couple of times, which makes it a little confusing. The first sentence it's self is fine, but considering the second clause in the first sentence ends in the peresent tense, the following sentence should be in the same tense (i.e. "isn't" instead of "wasn't").
-you might want to add a comma in the middle of "To market to market"
-in ".....in my mind's eye, I breath sulfer smoke, laughing." you don't need that many periods in the beginning. Three should sufice. Also, in the same sentence, you don't need the comma after "eye"
-"That is if it will clear up soon" you should to add either a comma or a period to thatjust for consistency's sake, considering that the rest of that section has either periods or elipses.
-"Cloudy eyes..." needs one extra period.
Well that's all I really saw that needed work. I love the content and ideas of this piece. It is also well executed in my opinion.
Don't be afraid to tinker with anything! ^_^!
Good job, I can't wait to see more of your writing up!
